Entry 02: Perceiving loss today, each day. .

06:04 PM, 29/4/2020
Dear Virtual Diary,

I am a little scared of death right now. Not of mine. Of others'. We lost Irrfan today. And that when I'm writing this, even a minute back tears did roll off my cheeks. I always wanted to work with him at some point in my life and learn of what exactly art is! But I cant anymore and I have to live with this bereavement throughout my life now. Feel so weak and empty like a dry wilted flower, like falling down through some weird black hole and not able to hold on to anything stiff to get up. This, slowly, is becoming my reality now. 

Never met this man. Nor did I know him personally. Just used to watch him through films and that I guess had transcended my interest into good films not to just gain entertainment, but he made it more of life uplifting. Don’t get me wrong I am not saying that through his films he was evoking some sort of moralistic vibe. His films had more or less processed him as an average and minimalist sort of characters. Maybe that's the reason for this loss being so distinctive, makes me WANT to watch him more. Search for more. Search in him, for more. And more. I don’t remember his first film or the first time I watched one. I never went all fangirl initially, infact I still dont think I am his FAN as per the generic definition of a fan happens to be, especially in a country like India. I just loved his artwork and probably had grown an inquisitive soul ever since his films had started to plunge in through my heart. Not everyone can communicate this way to his audience. Tell me how do ya'll perceive loss as? Do you go okay with it? Or you remain in denial for the most part?

I remember when I was a child and this shit is so vivid in my head. One night my sister and my mom were discussing some close relative's demise and I heard it and went on a wild meltdown, crying crying and crying, sobbing and then again crying until I was tired. Could not even hear what my mother was trying to say to console me, I was shit scared. But I am happening to learn more and more and realize the fact that death is inevitable. It will come to me, to you, and to each of us one day so as long as you are here taking a breath, enjoy it, live it gigantically. But I guess all those mindless nightmarish fears are starting to come back now which makes it even more GOD AWFUL. I was slowly starting to get better but this sick news made me shrink folds to my former awful self. It made some of my tears roll. Like a baby floundering and flailing down helplessly as soon as it was learning to walk. And with each teardrop I could feel raw abraded carbuncles growing all over my soul. Everywhere. I would rather die, than feel this way.

01:45 PM, 30/4/2020:

And today Rishiji. I don't want to live anymore, be breathing another bunch of air and will probably hear another news which I don't want my ears to be subjected to. Being aware of the fact that these legendary figures will not ever again perform anything on the platform of earth is truly depressing. It does affect my nerves to some extent, aware or unaware. I somewhere on google stumbled upon a question that asked, "Does grief change your brain?" To which the answer read: “Grief throws them out of balance.” 

Grief affects our limbic system, which is the system of nerves and networks in the brain, Burnette explains. This can throw off how we regulate our emotions, our concentration levels, our ability to multi-task and our memory function. Next involves a big biological tour to the answer, if you're very into it, go check out the following site:
https://www.google.co.in/urlsa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=7&ved=2ahUKEwikvqXAk5LpAhWAyDgGHdy6CIcQFjAGegQICxAc&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.simplemost.com%2Fhow-grief-affects-both-our-minds-and-bodies%2F&usg=AOvVaw1BjRJmWos0HX1zynjpR-s2

09:23 AM, 1/5/2020:

I am left with yet another stomach-chourning news. A big name in the ground of sports, Chuni Goswami, an Indian International footballer and first class cricketer left all of us for heaven. Another soul, Mr. Ronald Vivian Smith who had to face the same fate. Ofcourse I knew none of them personally. Infact the last personality is oblivion to most of us. He is no big shot celebrity that way. I came across Mayank Austen Soofi’s ig page and found about him. Smith's loss felt very personal. Infact each of their loss did. With each word I pen, I want to distance myself more and more from the escalating anguish that I'm going through rn but instead all I can do is cower down to fear and anxiety. Get down to knees and beg for a soaring recovery for all of us. 

Life should be lived to its brim and not less. We all are aware of such quotes since we start to gain senses. But nobody hands us down the manual, nobody teaches you how to sync everything in together without getting messed up. There are no flowcharts to show you a correct path. It just gets so emotionally laborious each time we are put through such trying times. There are psychic drama going on, angry outbursts resulting from heavy-hearty introspection, spiritual drainage and every other little here and there ruminations that go on day in and day out, leads to regular mental brooding of tantrums and daily drama flowing through bloods and veins that started in god-knows-which-part-of-the-brains!
WE EVENTUALLY LEAD TO THE ROCK BOTTOM and slowly and steadily and ultimately get back to "society-considering-normal". FOR NOW, IT JUST FEELS REPULSIVE and I guess that's okay sometimes.

This is basically how I perceive loss as. Tell me HOW you function when you're at a similar scenario dealing with pain and loss. I'll be waiting . . .

My youtube channel goes: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMqwvS2Px6_RnI3u35VbGhw

Video link to this blog: https://youtu.be/eIVhVUUDNZg 

So let’s wait and then hear out each other's story. Also I’m very much open to suggestions so feel free to put up if any.
COME LETS WRITE TO THE WORLD TOGETHER !
SIGNING OFF <3